Blaze: A Fireman Romance (Hard n' Dirty Book 4) Read online

  Rocket, Scott and Lia wander out.

  I take refuge behind my desk, bracing myself, waiting for the inevitable question. Fuck, I should’ve talked to Lia about this plan privately first. How will I mention my plan that she move in with me while she’s training?

  What was I thinking?

  Sure enough, her ponytail whips as she whirls to look at me, hands on her hips. “Why am I off the schedule?”

  I clear my throat and stand up from the desk. In my mind, this was going to be an awesome moment where I make up for being a dick and yelling at her in front of everyone by now praising her in front of the crew. But judging by the way her eyes flash, she’s not exactly receptive.

  She’s already jumped to some erroneous conclusion.

  Still, I go for jaunty. “Sparks, you’ve been selected for a special training.” I really wish the other fucks weren’t standing around listening.

  She arches a suspicious brow. “Oh yeah? What’s that?”

  “Fire inspector certification.” I try to sound detached and professional. “Your interest in detective work at the site of fires has been noted, and the department agreed to give you a leave of absence while you complete the training.”

  Lia’s jaw drops. But not in a good way. In fact, I’m pretty sure there are flames coming out of her ears. “What?”

  Shit. I totally screwed the pooch with this one. I go ahead and drop the rest of it on her before she explodes.

  “Training starts next week, but you’re off the schedule for the rest of this week to job shadow with Inspector Patton.”

  She shakes her head slowly. “No.”

  Okay. This wasn’t the response I expected. When I cooked up this plan, I was definitely going to be her hero.

  I rub my jaw. “Listen, maybe I overstepped—”

  “Ya think?”

  I glare at Scott and Rocket, but neither of them show any intention of moving along. I turn back to Lia. “I believe you have a real talent with this stuff. I had to pull a lot of strings to get it all arranged.”

  Wrong thing to say.

  “No one asked you to pull strings. In fact, I didn’t ask to be a fire inspector at all. I guess that speech you gave the reporter today was total bullshit. You don’t think having a woman on the team is a good thing. You want me safe and sound, away from danger. Isn’t that right?”

  Sonofabitch. “Lia, that’s not why—”

  “Yeah, right. You know what, Captain? Save it.” She turns to survey the rest of the crew. “I heard you assholes were taking bets on how long I’d last. Well, this was one sneaky bitch of a way to get rid of me, wasn’t it? Make it seem like I’ve won the freaking lottery. Well, thanks. Thanks a whole lot.”

  She grabs the schedule from the wall and crumples it up in her hand as she stalks out.

  Fuck.

  “Lia, wait.” I jog after her. I don’t care now who sees us together or what they think. I just need to talk to her. “It’s not like that. Will you just wait?”

  She heads out the door and jogs down the steps, flipping me the bird over her shoulder without turning.

  Shit.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck.

  I stop pursuing her. Maybe it’s better to let her cool off first, then I can explain.

  Damn.

  Lia

  Blaze has already left five texts by the time I get home. I’m too pissed to even look at them. I’m also too pissed to do anything but stomp around my apartment. Eating and sleeping seem like an impossibility.

  My phone rings.

  I know who it will be. Fuck it—I answer. “You have some nerve, you know?”

  “Lia.” Blaze sounds relieved. “Will you please just let me explain?”

  “Okay, yeah. I’d like to hear how you explain this. Go ahead.”

  “First of all, I’m not trying to get rid of you. No one is trying to get rid of you. That’s not it at all. I honestly think fire inspector suits your skill set.”

  “Oh, what skill set is that?” My voice drips with lethal sarcasm. “Setting fires?”

  He draws a breath and I know I’ve hit the nail on the head.

  “Great. Thanks. You know—I get it. You’re a fixer. You like to help people. You act like a grump but you’re actually the guy everyone calls when they need a hero. And I became your new project. The pyro who can’t get over her guilt. You saw my problem straight away and you stepped in to fix it.” My voice breaks, the pain of what I’m saying tearing me in two. Because as I speak the words, I know without any doubt, every word is true.

  “Well, thanks but no thanks. I don’t need fixing.” My eyes smart and my nose burns. “I’m not broken. And even if I were, I can take care of myself.”

  I hang up on Blaze before he can reply.

  Because really? What can he possibly say? I know I’m right.

  He calls back but I block his number.

  I don’t need to hear his shit.

  I open the kitchen drawer and pull out a book of matches reflexively, but of course I remember Blaze’s attempt to cure me of this. I crumple the matchbook in my fist and hurl it at the wall.

  Fuck him.

  I don’t need his help, or anyone else’s. I don’t have a problem.

  There’s nothing wrong with me.

  And if that means walking away from a fire career to prove it, I will.

  Blaze

  I punch the wall in my living room.

  Sonofabitch.

  How could I fuck something up so badly?

  Something that actually means something to me. Someone who actually means something to me.

  Lia isn’t a rescue project. She’s the only bright spot in my life. Why didn’t I realize that sooner and show her? Tell her?

  Why in the fuck do I always have to be a hero? What made me think I could ‘fix’ things for Lia? I was trying to help, but I did it in the worst possible way. I should’ve talked to her, offered my help—which she probably wouldn’t have accepted. I guess that’s why I went around behind her back. It wasn’t just to surprise her. It was to railroad her.

  And that makes me a goddamn asshole.

  I suck at relationships. I should’ve learned from my experience with Samantha. I’m too controlling, I jump in too fast. I try to make something out of nothing.

  Clearly that’s what I did with Lia, too.

  And if I care about her, I need to back the fuck off. She doesn’t want my help. The best thing I can do is leave her the fuck alone.

  I punch the wall again, satisfied when the plaster crunches and my knuckles come away swollen and torn.

  And then I whale on that wall with both fists until the entire panel is in a crumbled heap at my feet.

  Chapter 13

  Lia

  The trouble with anger is that when it goes away, there’s often a worse feeling underneath. Anger hides the true emotion. Often it’s fear, like when I bluster and bluff my way through things.

  Right now it’s heartache.

  Because breaking up with Blaze is the worst thing I’ve done.

  That’s not true. Burning down the house was the worst thing. But splitting with Blaze comes in as a close second.

  My heart is a sunken stone, far below my solar plexus, but not quite to my bowels. It’s sloshing around in my stomach, making it impossible for me to eat. Or walk. Or move really.

  Which is why I spent the past three days in bed.

  The guys from CrossFit texted to find out why I no-showed—because I never no-show unless I’m on shift.

  The worst of it? Today’s my birthday.

  Worst birthday of my life.

  I have to drag myself out of this bed and get to my parents’ house, but eating my mom’s home-cooked food and listening to the banter of my overbearing family is the last thing I want to do.

  I should tell them I got called in to cover a shift.

  No, my mom would just insist on rescheduling for tomorrow.

  My phone rings. I check the screen. It’s my cousin, Talia.
She’s probably the only person in the world I would answer the phone for right now. I swipe my screen. “Hey, girl.”

  “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you—”

  “Yeah, thanks.” I cut in before she can finish singing the whole damn song.

  She must catch the heaviness in my tone, because she immediately drops the chipper thing. “What’s wrong?”

  “Ugh,” is all I can say.

  “Is that a guy-related ugh or a job-related ugh?”

  “Kinda both.”

  “So a captain-related ugh.”

  “You nailed it.”

  “What happened?”

  “Well, the douche took me off the schedule and signed me up for a two-month training to become a fire inspector—without asking.”

  “Okaaaay.” My cousin draws out the last syllable, like she’s not sure what my problem is. Well, of course she doesn’t. Because she’s missing some key information. Information I wasn’t planning on sharing. Except I really need a friend right now.

  “Here’s the thing. He signed me up because he thinks I have a problem. With fire. He’s been trying to fix me this whole time. I don’t even know if we were really dating. I mean we were having crazy kinky sex but—”

  “But what?” she prompts when I stop.

  “But it was like... punishment sex. Kinky shit. He offered to help me, um…” I break off, unsure how to go on. “Talia, I have to tell you something.” My voice breaks. “Something awful. Something I did that’s really unforgivable.”

  “Okay, honey. Just tell me. Say it fast and get it over with.”

  “I set the fire that burned my family’s house down.”

  I hear her exhale through the phone, but her words stun me. “I know.”

  My heartbeat seems to echo off the walls. Blood rushes in my ears. “You… know?”

  “Everyone knows. You were always funky with matches. Squirrelling them away. Lighting them in your room. It was an accident, though. Right? You didn’t purposely—”

  “Of course I didn’t!” I interrupt. My brain in still stuttering on her words. “What do you mean everyone knows?”

  “I don’t know, it was sort of one of those family agreements to never mention it to you, because you probably felt bad enough. No one wanted you to think you were responsible for the house burning down. Even though the fire inspector found the fire started in your garbage can.”

  I don’t realize I’m crying until tears drip down my chin. “They did?” I ask through my tight throat.

  “It’s okay, Lia. No one blames you. But what does this have to do with your captain? You told him and now he wants you to be a fire inspector?”

  I sniff and swipe at the tears on my face with the back of my hand. “Basically, yes. He knows about the fire and he knew I felt guilty. So he’s been…”

  “He’s been what?”

  “Punishing me.” This is really fucking embarrassing.

  “Oh. Wow. That is kinky. Did you like it?”

  “Um, yeah. Definitely. But then he signed me up for this job. And I found out about his last girlfriend—he jumped in to be her birth coach and the surrogate father to her baby. You see? He has a rescuer complex. And I’m just another project to be fixed.”

  “Yeah, I see. That sucks. So did you tell him to back off?”

  “I told him to get lost.”

  Talia goes silent for a moment. I switch the phone from one ear to the other, then back again. “And now you miss him?”

  Damn. How does she always get this shit right?

  “I don’t know,” I lie. “I mean, it’s not like we had anything worth hanging onto, right?”

  “Hmm. That sounds like your head talking. But I’m guessing your heart says something different.”

  Said organ gives a squeeze, as if to prove her right.

  “Well, let’s talk this through. I mean, you liked some of it. You liked the kinky sex. You didn’t mind him fixing you when he was doling out your punishment, right?”

  My heart picks up speed at the truth of her words. “Yeah.”

  “But he overstepped with the job thing. Was that as a boss or as a boyfriend?”

  I rub my ear. “Not sure. Both, I guess.”

  “Does that interest you?”

  “Maybe,” I admit. “But he should’ve asked.”

  “No question there,” Talia assures me. “Are you going to go do the training? When is it?”

  “Next week. And yeah, I guess. I mean, Blaze took me off the schedule, anyway. I don’t know how he thinks I’m going to pay the rent.” Except deep down I’m quite sure Blaze would’ve come to my rescue on that, too. And he would’ve enjoyed it.

  And this time, the thought doesn’t piss me off. It just makes my chest ache. Whether it’s for Blaze or myself, I’m not sure.

  Blaze

  “I can’t help this time,” I snarl into the phone and end the call. Everyone and his brother wants me to help them move. This time it was Scott, who is helping out some friend I’ve never met.

  Fuck that shit.

  Lia was right. I have a savior complex. Correction: I had a savior complex. No more. I’m over it. I don’t need to equate my self-worth to being everyone’s knight in shining armor.

  Putting out fires is enough. I don’t need to rescue Samantha, or my parents, or my neighbors or my co-workers’ friends.

  Lia is another story.

  I do still want to be her knight.

  Is that totally wrong? I guess it is.

  I’ve been wracking my brain trying to figure out how to fix this. I definitely thought I was doing what was best for Lia. I still do. But I also pushed my own agenda because it conveniently solved a couple of my own issues—namely, the illegal nature of our relationship, and me worrying for her safety.

  I called Inspector Patton to report Lia wasn’t feeling well and asked to reschedule the job shadowing. I haven’t cancelled her training for fire inspector, but I can. I’ll lose half the fee, but I don’t give a shit about that. But none of that solves my real dilemma. How to win Lia back.

  Because despite my resolve to back down and give her space, to stay out of her life if she wants, I can’t.

  I’m not giving up yet.

  So now I have to figure out how to get a second chance. How to get a face-to-face to apologize. How to convince her I won’t steamroll her life again.

  But what if I do?

  Damn, that thought keeps gutting me. What if she is better off without me?

  No.

  She couldn’t have faked what we had in bed. And clarity comes seeping in.

  That’s where I went wrong. I took something that she enjoyed sexually—being submissive, calling me daddy, letting me call the shots—and I took it out of the bedroom. Into real life. And in doing so, I stripped her of her dignity.

  And the worst part is it made her question my motives for everything. She thinks I see her as less-than, when she’s anything but.

  But how do I get her to see it’s not true? Just telling her won’t be enough. She has to believe it.

  Chapter 14

  Lia

  I show up at my parents’ house with a pasted on smile, even though I can barely put one foot in front of the other. It’s hard to believe breaking up with a guy I wasn’t even sure I was dating can hurt this badly. I just keep seeing Blaze’s tortured expression when I got mad, keep wondering how he’s taking all this. For some reason, I have a ridiculous need to know he’s all right.

  That he’s not suffering.

  Which is stupid.

  Wouldn’t I want him to suffer for taking me on like a social work case?

  But no. I definitely don’t.

  The house is a loud clatter of voices and activity, as always. I do the round of greetings like a robot running a program. But I can’t pretend anymore. When we sit down around the giant table to eat—adults inside, kids at card tables outside—I clear my throat. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what, mi amor?” my mo
m asks.

  “For burning the house down.”

  The noisy dining room goes dead quiet, all the side conversations silencing, all eyes turned to me.

  “Talia told me that everyone knows.” I look around the room, find the eyes of each of my brothers, of my mom, and finally, my dad. “So, I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.” I choke up on the last word and then everyone moves, everyone speaks at the same time.

  Hands drop on my shoulders from either side. Words come at me. It wasn’t your fault. You were just a kid. It was an accident, reach my ears.

  I blink back tears and nod. “Well, I’m still sorry. That’s all.”

  “Nobody ever held it against you,” my father says from across the table, tipping his beer bottle in my direction. “Nobody.” He says the last word fiercely, like he’s daring me to disagree.

  “You always were so fascinated by fire,” my mom says. “And now look at you—we couldn’t be more proud. You put your interest to work in the best possible way, didn’t you?”

  That’s what I had always thought, but I’m suddenly not so sure. Was I just doing it for my family? To make up for my horrific crime and my cowardice about not telling them? And to think they knew all along!

  I sniff. “My captain thinks I should become a fire inspector.”

  My brother Alex lowers his fork. “That’s not a bad idea, sis.”

  I shrug, too mixed up to know if it’s a good idea or not.

  “You’d be a detective, like me.” He grins and winks at me, and I can’t help but feel a small tingle of pleasure at hearing how proud he sounds of me.

  “Well, there’s no telling if I can get a job as one. Look how long it took me to get onto the FDNY. But I might take a training for it.”

  “You should,” Alex says, his expression still glowing with enthusiasm. “I think that’s a great idea. So your captain—he must really see your potential.”

  My heart stutters to a stop, then reboots with a thunk. Does Blaze see my potential? Or was he just trying to get me off the crew, somewhere safe. Or out from under him so we can date.